During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big... My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavour!"
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience. She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had never met before. The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did . . . for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car.They stopped and she went out beside the car, pulled her pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she
said she was freezing her butt off!She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to came around to see if he could help.
After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to melt her butt off of the fender.
Thinking about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could get her free.
Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her but off the fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much conversation.
True story.
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??? The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.. The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one.. St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate... All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush??? The nun replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, andpoints out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish .. I'd like to give birth to twins."
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response."Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden,all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This 'man' will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well . . . you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember, this is our secret ... woman to woman."
Democrats Putting It In The Best Light
Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six14 White House aids to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out.
8 White House aids to blame the previous administration
4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness
1 first lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village.
9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb.
1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas.
42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.
1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.
1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb.
2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs.
1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can't be pinned on the Republicans.
1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about.
5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.
A man walks into the mall followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the mall someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at the inevitable Starbucks in the mall, reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the mall. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his coffee and his paper without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
The coffee shop woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband. My dog attacked and killed him."
The coffee shop lady then inquired further, "And who is in the second hearse?"
The widow answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women when the coffee shop lady suddenly said, "Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line, " the widow replied.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this hole".
TOP TEN REASONS WHY HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard
8. Protective equipment is reusable
7. It lasts a full hour
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds
5. Your parents cheer when you score
4. Periods only last 20 minutes
3. You can count on it at least twice a week
2. You can tell your friends all about it afterwards
And the number one reason hockey is better than sex -
1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum, I want to play President."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes and was wearing bright, neon coloured clothes.
The old man just stared at him. The boy looked at the older man and said in a smart-tone, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Too Much Teasing . . .
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . .
The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
15. My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
14. I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes --
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me --
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J.. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine... and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red.
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey, how you doin'?
5. Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
And the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...
1. When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!
The Dirty Old Man
One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
Parenting 101: How to Teach a Kid a Lesson"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says."I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor."You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids !!
Signs your boyfriend isn't too bright
...he tried to drown a fish
...he tripped over a cordless phone.
..he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate"...he tell you to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
...he studied for a blood test-and failed
...he sold the car for gas money....
..he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Signs your Girlfriend isn't too bright
..she sent you a fax with a stamp on it
...she thought a quarterback was a refund
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
..she thought General Motors was in the Army
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes"
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm
so glad I could sing.I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls
and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
And now it's time for a rebuttal
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to China before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan
when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs
and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a
story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:"The hat check girl puts out!
RECENT MERGERS
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New Company will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.""No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
A Doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and worse news, what do you want to hear first?"
The Patient says "Hit me with the worst first."
The Doctor tells him, "You have AIDS."
The Patient turns very white for a few moments, then says, "What's the bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Thank God, doctor!" says the patient, "I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS!"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
To all of us getting older:
Baby Boomers, The '60s vs. the '00s
Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: The president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: The president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Killer weed.Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.
Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.
Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.
Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.
Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.
Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she
was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The
lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she
wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly, at a traffic light, hers turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE", she muttered. And, from the radio came........"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States..."
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like
that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you.
You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the
family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family......"
<laughing my ass off... I adore this one>
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in
the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is ", the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the man
replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "Ok. how
much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!",
the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden
position.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the
little boy."Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies the
man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?",
the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty
dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball
and glove and we'll play some catch.""I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the little
boy says."SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I am taking you to church right
now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father
explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?"The priest says, "Don't you start that again!"
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub
the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger
boobies."She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... it worked!
She grew great boobs!One morning she woke up, took a shower and left for work. On the bus she
realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point
she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the
middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock ..."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.' "Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo
and saw the animals. I was fascinated."The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'"Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use
'fascinate' in your sentence."Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only fasten
eight."
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50
the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock
news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock
news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
The Art of Lovemaking:
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,
she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way
down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah
tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."The Newfie says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin
it to my misses I gets out of bed, walks over to the window
and wipes me dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!!!"
Pay Attention:
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first
lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before
starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The
first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the
lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in
front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
but I licked my index."
Too Hot to PassThree gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just
one more time."
Italians: BET YA READ IT TWICE !!A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."
Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
Things that make you go hmmmmmIf you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows?
Blond Jokes:A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!""NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun."
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy... ...it's me!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
