During an international gynecology
conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing
unusual cases they had treated recently.
last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see
me with a clitoris like a melon!"
be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been
that big... My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk
if it were."
you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman.
"I was talking about the flavour!"
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her
first date experience. She said it was snowing and cold and
the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They
were strangers, and truly had never met before. The date went
OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were going
along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still
about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should
try to hold it, and she did . . . for a while. It finally came
to the point where she told him that he could either stop and
let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car.
stopped and she went out beside the car, pulled her pants down
and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she
let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had
stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle
nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that
she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could
to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned
too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well,
with a red face, she
said she was freezing her butt off!
finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst
of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater
and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to came
around to see if he could help.
the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had
a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm
to melt her butt off of the fender.
about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her
think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could
get her free.
after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the
other way, and so did he, and proceeded to unzip his pants and
pee her but off the fender. The rest of the trip home there
wasn't much conversation.
train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are
all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact
with a penis??? The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched
the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK,
dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth
have you ever had any contact with a penis.. The nun is a little
reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through
the gate... All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the
line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister,
Sister what seems to be the rush??? The nun replies "If
I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before
Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating
how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when
she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp,
and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and
lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie
informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions
her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give
her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair,
but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion
dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting
in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient
of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger
when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful
mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant
it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband
now owns ten of what she wished for, andpoints out at the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.
hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman
informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But,
before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband
will get ten times what she wishes for.
problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For
my last wish .. I'd like to give birth to twins."
local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a
phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much
do funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
write this: 'Cohen died.'"
sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that."
A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden,all
of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm
just not happy."
is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
a 'man,' Lord?"
'man' will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll
lie, cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when aroused, but
since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such in a
way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need
your advice to think properly."
great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's
the catch, Lord?"
well . . . you can have him on one condition."
I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember,
this is our secret ... woman to woman."
Putting It In The Best Light
How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six
14 White House aids to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
denying that the bulb is burned out.
8 White House aids to blame the previous administration
4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact
of burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness
1 first lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village.
9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played
a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
really knows how to change a light bulb.
1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18
new federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and
that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out
during his childhood in Arkansas.
42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.
1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.
1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
changing a light bulb.
2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
able to change their own light bulbs.
1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
can't be pinned on the Republicans.
1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that
no one else knows anything about.
5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly,
doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't
unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation,
and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.
man walks into the mall followed by his ten-year-old son. The
kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between
his teeth. As they walk through the mall someone bumps into
the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight
into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts
choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking,
shouting and screaming for help.
middle-aged, unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at the
inevitable Starbucks in the mall, reading his newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks
up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his
newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his
seat and makes his unhurried way across the mall. Reaching the
boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully
takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back
to his coffee and his paper without saying a word.
soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively
thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the
father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks
one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything
like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon
or something like that?"
good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the
woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second
long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second
hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a
leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
coffee shop woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry
for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband.
My dog attacked and killed him."
coffee shop lady then inquired further, "And who is in
the second hearse?"
widow answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my husband when the dog turned on her also."
poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women when the coffee shop lady suddenly said, "Could
I borrow the dog?"
in line, " the widow replied.
woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely
sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive
stare & walked directly toward them.
she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring,
the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one
condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to
do in just three words.'
woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from
her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she
gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply
into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'
couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
Woods, the golfer?"
he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
are you doing?" asks the wife.
husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service
and get something to eat."
wouldn't do that."
yeah? What would Tiger do?"
come back to bed and do it a second time."
husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to
what are you doing?" She asks.
husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get something to eat."
wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the
phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When
they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.
wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this hole".
TEN REASONS WHY HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard
8. Protective equipment is reusable
7. It lasts a full hour
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds
5. Your parents cheer when you score
4. Periods only last 20 minutes
3. You can count on it at least twice a week
2. You can tell your friends all about it afterwards
And the number one reason hockey is better than sex -
1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon
little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking,
when the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed
and we can play doctor?"
little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out
your gum, I want to play President."
little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service,
his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
the boy responded.
cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
did you know that?"
the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer,
four poorer.' "
guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one
is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across
the street into a field.
years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He
opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he
finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail
says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
The higher you are in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs
the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally
answered THAT question!"
old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man
with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's
hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black
makeup around his eyes and was wearing bright, neon coloured
old man just stared at him. The boy looked at the older man
and said in a smart-tone, "What's the matter, old man,
haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got
drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
Too Much Teasing . . .
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his
normal jeans and a T-shirt.
zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape
exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing
the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds
his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress.
husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests
that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and
does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin.
does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at
him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.
the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to
the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams
the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache
. . .
The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
15. My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
14. I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes --
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me --
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J.. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine... and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red.
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey, how you doin'?
5. Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
And the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...
1. When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!
The Dirty Old Man
One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl
which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom
when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.
said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant
because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching
anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up
at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting
on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant
or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
101: How to Teach a Kid a Lesson"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What
is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass
up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that!
I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting
on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?"
having a heart attack," cries the woman.
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on
the closet floor.
rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having
a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids
your boyfriend isn't too bright
tried to drown a fish
tripped over a cordless phone.
spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because
tell you to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
studied for a blood test-and failed
sold the car for gas money....
got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Signs your Girlfriend isn't
..she sent you a fax with a stamp
...she thought a quarterback was
...she tried to put M&M's in
..she thought General Motors was
in the Army
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD
...under "education" on
her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
...it takes her two hours to watch
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke,
or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about
the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south,
east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave
early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad
I'm a man, I'm
so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for
I don't gossip about friends or stab
them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the
I'll never go psycho and threaten to
kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what
to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these
and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts
It's more fun than dealing with women
I won't cry if you say it's not going
I won't remain bitter and call you a
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman
And now it's time for a rebuttal
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to China before I ask for
I don't get wasted at parties, and act
like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my
beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my
crotch, or yell like Tarzan
when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't
scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches
And what's on my head doesn't leave with
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too
much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to
have these two boobs
and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not
understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold
band. Or tell you a
story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and
fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't
cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think
with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man
once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He
asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started making passes, when she stopped him
and reminded him he was a holy man.
OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first
page where someone wrote in pencil:"The
hat check girl puts out!
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will
be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will
be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere
Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be
called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will
be called 3 Penney Opera
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New Company
will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: New company
will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned
about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée,
very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid
that my future wife will be put off by them."
problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your
feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem
up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up
in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey,"
her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad,
I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the
same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get
straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your
teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your
teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought
it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual
socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn,
the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks
had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches
the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking,
she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and worse news,
what do you want to hear first?"
Patient says "Hit me with the worst first."
Doctor tells him, "You have AIDS."
Patient turns very white for a few moments, then says, "What's
the bad news?"
says, "You have Alzheimer's disease."
God, doctor!" says the patient, "I thought you were
going to tell me I had AIDS!"
elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared
at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
To all of us getting
Baby Boomers, The '60s vs. the '00s
Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's
Now: Moving to California because it's
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic
flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic
flight with your children.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando
or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon
Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: The president's struggle with
Now: The president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.
Then: Being called into the principal's
Now: Calling the principal's office.
Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.
Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.
Then: Parents begging you to get your
Now: Children begging you to get their
Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.
Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she
found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for
her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed
it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should
do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she
brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is
completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you
want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked
at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded,
"Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she
was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the
road again". The
lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she
got. If she
wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly, at a traffic light,
hers turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out
of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle
speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on
collision. "ASSHOLE", she muttered. And, from the
and gentlemen, the President of the United States..."
was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about
those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that,
but don't let
him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast;
you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are
going to like
that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is
going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you.
You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just
as the old
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried,
I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family......"
my ass off... I adore this one>
married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman
hears a car in
the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.
the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't
it is ", the man replies.
wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No Thanks",
replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist
continues. "Ok. how
much?", the man replies after considering the position
he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE
the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden
following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes
it is", replies the
man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy
asks. "Ok. How much?",
the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty
dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.
next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go
get your ball
and glove and we'll play some catch."
can't. I sold them", replies the little boy.
much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting
to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars",
DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I am taking you to church right
now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
explains as he hauls the child away.
the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't
priest says, "Don't you start that again!"
flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out
of the shower, rub
the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I
did this every day faithfully and after several months ... it
She grew great boobs!
morning she woke up, took a shower and left for work. On the
realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At
she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got
up in the
middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want
guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by
yes, I do. How did you know?"
dickory dock ..."
teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate"
in a sentence.
said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to
use the word
raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no
way he could
damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did
'fascinate' in your sentence."
Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only
blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you
the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched
the 5 o'clock
news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I
watched the 5 o'clock
news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
Art of Lovemaking:
Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,
she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."
Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way
down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah
tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
Newfie says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished
it to my misses I gets out of bed, walks over to the window
and wipes me dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!!!"
A professor is giving the first year medical students their
lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics
starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At
this point, the
lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then
asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses
front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
but I licked my index."
Too Hot to Pass
gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm
scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."
third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up
one more time."
Italians: BET YA READ IT TWICE !!
bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:
come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta
sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little
8. My Kid Got Your Honour Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off... [Seen On The Back
Of A Biker's Vest]
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
Things that make you go hmmmmm
If you throw a
cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows?
highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality
so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone,
living or dead, who would it be?"
blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in
American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said the Russian.
which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking
down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and
leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror
and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy... ...it's
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"